Wednesday, July 30, 2014

a letter to Lou on her birthday eve

My dearest Olive Lou, 
Tomorrow is your first birthday and it's totally breaking my momma heart. 
How has it already been a year, a YEAR!?
What was life even like before you were born?
I don't remember. 
This past year you have brought our family so much happiness and joy. 
Everything you do makes us laugh!
Your outgoing and sassy personality make you the life of the party no matter where we are.
You demand attention, you crave it. 
We have enjoyed watching you grow and develop as you learn more about the world around you.
We love how much you look to your older brother. 
He loves you so much.
He was the most excited when you learned how to walk. 
You follow him around trying to do and imitate what he does and it is simply the greatest. 
I am so blessed to be your momma. 
Thanks for being my sunshine and my strength.
Always remember that no matter how big you get, 
you will always be my blue eyed, juicy thighed & chubby cheeked little squish. 

Happy Birthday little Lou, 
We are so proud of you!

P.S Lets cool it on the near death experiences this next year ok? 
I think we would all appreciate it :) 

P.S.S You were a little stink when I took your photos today...seriously, that baby 'tude!

 ^^Classic Olive
 ^^Not impressed
 ^^Still not impressed
^^...we're done! haha!

Sunday, July 20, 2014


We are so touched by the outpouring of love and support we have received from our friends and family during this difficult time. 
Reading your words of encouragement has help immensely.
I have also had many loved ones open up and share their own experiences.
I am inspired by their stories and their wisdom and their unshakable faith. 
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. 
My heart hurts knowing that anyone has to feel this pain.
"The club that no one wants to be apart of" 
But a lot of people are. 
However terrible, It's nice to know I'm not alone. 
I wish I could reach out and hug every single one of you. 

Right now we are doing Ok. 
Everyday seems to get a little bit easier. 
This week I was able to start back up at the Crossfit gym. 
I truly believe that exercise is medicine. 
It has been a great outlet for me to channel my emotions and frustrations. 

David has been able to take some time off work to be home with me and the kids. 
He has been such a great support with everything.
I feel like this trial has strengthened our relationship and brought us even closer together.  

The babies have been amazing.  
I think Remington has been able to sense the stress and sadness we've felt and has been wanting to spend more time snuggling and more time one on one. 
Olive is just, well Olive.
Everything she does makes me smile. 
She is my ray of sunshine on those gloomy days. 
I love my children so much. 

A few days ago I was clearing off my memory cards and I found these photos from Independence day. I had totally forgotten about them since the past few weeks have been a blur as you can imagine. 
I got really choked up as I went through them, one by one. 
These photos were the last ones taken before we found out that we had lost our baby.
We look so happy. 
And we were.
It was as perfect as a day could be. 
One filled with delicious food, happy babies and good company. 
It was our 3rd year watching the Rexburg Parade.
Remington was just 4 months old our first time!
He loved watching all the tractors and horses ride by. 
Olive was enthralled with the marching bands and "oooed" and "aahhhed" and danced to the beat. 

These photos pull at my heart now, but I know that I will look back and cherish them.
I am thankful for the happy memories and the happy times. 
Without the opposition in our life, how would we be able to appreciate them?
I know that there are many great and wonderful things being prepared for us. 
So right now, we just have to keep on going. 
^^Best buds right there. 
^^We sent David to pick up a dozen old fashioned doughnuts from our favorite joint in town. 
^^Seriously though, his curls
 ^^It was a really good hair day for everyone. 
^^watching intently. 

Friday, July 11, 2014

mourning the loss of our unborn baby

We were going to share the news this week that we were expecting baby number 3. 
Instead, we received confirmation a few days ago that we had lost the baby.
My heart is broken. 
Our world has been turned upside down.
I debated sharing this experience on the blog since it such an extremely emotionally delicate and personal one, but I have felt that writing it down has helped me articulate my feelings and has helped me begin the healing process. So here it goes...

We found out I was expecting just a couple days after Olive's near death choking experience.
It was exactly the good news we needed to get over those scary and stressful few days. 
We were absolutely thrilled.
We told close friends and family right away and I was dying to share it with the world. 
Baby number 3!!!
The most exciting part was that the baby was due on our 5th wedding anniversary, February 20. 
My favorite part was telling the children. 
Remington's face lit up, "Baby in momma tummy!?" he'd ask all the the time pointing to my stomach. 
He was so excited. 
We'd ask him if he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister.
"Uh baby brudder? Hmmm, no nuder baby sister!"
One morning he came into our room really early to snuggle and I asked him what he thought we should name the baby. 
He thought for a few minutes and said in his sweet little voice, "bean. black bean!"
I laughed and held him tight. 
"Baby black bean it is!"
Baby black bean consumed my thoughts for the next couple weeks. 
I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. 
I felt so blessed. 
I noticed that other than being extremely tired and having an oversensitive nose, I didn't have any other of the "normal" symptoms.
I chalked that up to being active and reassured myself that all pregnancies are different and that I was just one of the lucky ones who didn't' have to suffer.
I tried to remain positive and push the doubt out of my mind. 
Then one morning I noticed a bit of spotting. 
I started to panic and texted my Dr. 
He assured me that it was probably nothing and from the amount and description it was most likely just old blood. 
He said that I could schedule an ultrasound at our next appointment to put my mind at ease. 
So I did, and I felt reassured. 
The spotting continued off and on for the next two days.
I tried my best to stay positive and enjoy the long holiday weekend. 
Then the next morning came and there was even more blood. 
So much more.
My heart sank. 
I cried out to David,
This can't be happening. 
I called my Dr. again and he had us come right in for a blood test and an ultrasound. 
My whole body was shaking and my heart was racing when we were called back for the ultrasound. 
I needed to see that heart beat flicker on the screen. 
I needed to know that my baby was ok. 
But there was so much blood, 
I started to lose hope. 
I said a prayer and asked for strength to help me handle whatever the outcome was. 
The ultrasound tech was an older man and he was so sweet trying to make small talk and calm our nerves. 
I took a deep breath and then the image appeared on the screen.
I knew instantly. 
There was my baby. 
Too small to be as far along as I thought.
Where my dates off?
My baby, no heart beat. 
I watched the ultrasound techs face drop as he measured the baby over and over again.
David grabbed my hand and we cried together. 

These past few days have been an emotional blur. 
I have never felt such deep heartache and sorrow to the point of physical pain.
David feels the same. 
And as the protector and leader of the family has felt absolutely helpless in knowing that nothing can be done. 
My body continues to pass the baby naturally. 
A blessing, since the thought of surgery absolutely terrifies me. 
Some days are better than others. 
Keeping busy doing the day to day tasks seem to help.
It's the moments when I am left alone to my thoughts, the sadness and the grief hits me and I feel as though I can't breath. 
It's in those moments where I find myself down on my knees asking God for peace, comfort and strength to get us through.
Everyday we strive to get back to normal. 
Whatever that normal is.
After two perfectly healthy and normal pregnancies, I never once thought that this could happen to me. 

I know that we will be ok. 
Maybe not immediately or even months from now. 
But I know that with God on our side,we will move forward, stronger than ever before.
It is Him that we put our absolute faith and trust in. 
It brings us great comfort to know that we do not have to go through this alone. 

^^These two have helped us so much in getting through this tough time. Their sweet and innocent spirits brighten my soul everyday. I like to imagine their baby sister (who we have since named. David felt from the beginning that she was a girl), looking down on us. These photos where taken in the hopes to announce her arrival. I love them so much^^

Sunday, July 6, 2014

10 & 11 months

Dear Olive, 
Momma has been slacking, so your 10-11 month post are combined, whoops! 
I seriously refuse to accept that you will be turning ONE at the end of the month. 
It is just too much for me to handle right now. 
At 11 months old you took your FIRST STEPS!!!!!!!
You are so close to walking!
At 10 months you were really interested in the walker and have been cruising around since. 
You are mimicking words and sounds a lot lately. 
You can say, "wah-wah" for water, "momma" "dada" "uh-oh" and "buh bye"
I love when you smack your lips together when we ask for kisses and how you totally sprawl your whole body on stuffed animals/cars/laundry/brother when giving loves. 
Since you have become so mobile in the past few months you have started getting into everything. 
You like to open all the kitchen cupboards and pull out all the clothing from the dresser drawers. 
Your are currently obsessed with getting into is my sewing machine! 
You pull on your hair when you nurse and are constantly pulling out your pony tails and bows. 
I think it's so cute when you try to put them back into your hair. 
You've started sleeping on your stomach with your knees pulled into your chest and you arms down by your sides. 
I don't know how you think that is comfortable haha!
You still love to eat, anything and everything.
Your favorites include raspberries, popsicles and ice cream. 
You have also found a new love for chocolate chips. You squeal when I give them to you. 
Just in the past few days, you've been attempting to climb the stairs outside and it totally freaks me out. 
I love how you lay down and push your brothers cars back and forth on the ground. 
Dad says we need to get you some of your own cars and trucks. 
You love to play with the water hose and you dance ALL THE TIME. 
Your head bobs to any kind of beat. 
When you stand, you stand up on your tippy toes.
Cutest thing EVER. 
I don't know how they support the weight of your entire body but its adorable. 
My future little dancer. 
I love this stage and watching your little brain work when you try and learn something new. 
You've recently learned how to stack legos and blocks and put rings onto a stick. 
You are also starting to feed yourself with utensils. 
It's so bittersweet watching you grow up. 
You are getting more and more independent and I really cherish the moments where you let me snuggle you before bed. 
I love you so much my sweet baby girl, 
^^tip toes!
^^get ready for it
^^KILLING IT! Currently my favorite photo of Olive EVER. 

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