Friday, July 11, 2014

mourning the loss of our unborn baby

We were going to share the news this week that we were expecting baby number 3. 
Instead, we received confirmation a few days ago that we had lost the baby.
My heart is broken. 
Our world has been turned upside down.
I debated sharing this experience on the blog since it such an extremely emotionally delicate and personal one, but I have felt that writing it down has helped me articulate my feelings and has helped me begin the healing process. So here it goes...

We found out I was expecting just a couple days after Olive's near death choking experience.
It was exactly the good news we needed to get over those scary and stressful few days. 
We were absolutely thrilled.
We told close friends and family right away and I was dying to share it with the world. 
Baby number 3!!!
The most exciting part was that the baby was due on our 5th wedding anniversary, February 20. 
My favorite part was telling the children. 
Remington's face lit up, "Baby in momma tummy!?" he'd ask all the the time pointing to my stomach. 
He was so excited. 
We'd ask him if he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister.
"Uh baby brudder? Hmmm, no nuder baby sister!"
One morning he came into our room really early to snuggle and I asked him what he thought we should name the baby. 
He thought for a few minutes and said in his sweet little voice, "bean. black bean!"
I laughed and held him tight. 
"Baby black bean it is!"
Baby black bean consumed my thoughts for the next couple weeks. 
I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. 
I felt so blessed. 
I noticed that other than being extremely tired and having an oversensitive nose, I didn't have any other of the "normal" symptoms.
I chalked that up to being active and reassured myself that all pregnancies are different and that I was just one of the lucky ones who didn't' have to suffer.
I tried to remain positive and push the doubt out of my mind. 
Then one morning I noticed a bit of spotting. 
I started to panic and texted my Dr. 
He assured me that it was probably nothing and from the amount and description it was most likely just old blood. 
He said that I could schedule an ultrasound at our next appointment to put my mind at ease. 
So I did, and I felt reassured. 
The spotting continued off and on for the next two days.
I tried my best to stay positive and enjoy the long holiday weekend. 
Then the next morning came and there was even more blood. 
So much more.
My heart sank. 
I cried out to David,
This can't be happening. 
I called my Dr. again and he had us come right in for a blood test and an ultrasound. 
My whole body was shaking and my heart was racing when we were called back for the ultrasound. 
I needed to see that heart beat flicker on the screen. 
I needed to know that my baby was ok. 
But there was so much blood, 
I started to lose hope. 
I said a prayer and asked for strength to help me handle whatever the outcome was. 
The ultrasound tech was an older man and he was so sweet trying to make small talk and calm our nerves. 
I took a deep breath and then the image appeared on the screen.
I knew instantly. 
There was my baby. 
Too small to be as far along as I thought.
Where my dates off?
My baby, no heart beat. 
I watched the ultrasound techs face drop as he measured the baby over and over again.
David grabbed my hand and we cried together. 

These past few days have been an emotional blur. 
I have never felt such deep heartache and sorrow to the point of physical pain.
David feels the same. 
And as the protector and leader of the family has felt absolutely helpless in knowing that nothing can be done. 
My body continues to pass the baby naturally. 
A blessing, since the thought of surgery absolutely terrifies me. 
Some days are better than others. 
Keeping busy doing the day to day tasks seem to help.
It's the moments when I am left alone to my thoughts, the sadness and the grief hits me and I feel as though I can't breath. 
It's in those moments where I find myself down on my knees asking God for peace, comfort and strength to get us through.
Everyday we strive to get back to normal. 
Whatever that normal is.
After two perfectly healthy and normal pregnancies, I never once thought that this could happen to me. 

I know that we will be ok. 
Maybe not immediately or even months from now. 
But I know that with God on our side,we will move forward, stronger than ever before.
It is Him that we put our absolute faith and trust in. 
It brings us great comfort to know that we do not have to go through this alone. 

^^These two have helped us so much in getting through this tough time. Their sweet and innocent spirits brighten my soul everyday. I like to imagine their baby sister (who we have since named. David felt from the beginning that she was a girl), looking down on us. These photos where taken in the hopes to announce her arrival. I love them so much^^

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