times and seasons

 

Survive.

It seemed like the obvious choice for my 2019 word of the year. 

It's been four weeks since we brought home baby number five and let me tell you, my world has been rocked. 

Five kids is kicking my TRASH. 

But not in the way that I thought it would. 

I LOVE the newborn stage. 

They call the first three months after the baby is born "the 4th trimester," when that precious and helpless little person solely relies on you for literally everything. 

I love the 24/7 snuggling, the hours spent nursing, the sweet little cries when momma is too far away and yes even the late late night/early ass mornings. 

All of that is just fine. 

It's when you factor in the other responsibilities i.e. the four other kids (duh) the husband (hi babe I see you!) and all the other things that come with being a wife and momma. 

As much as I wish it did, the world doesn't just stop when you bring home a new baby, and that is what I've been struggling with. 

The past four weeks have been an absolute blur. 

The lack of adequate sleep is literally killing me this time around. 

Then getting up and getting kids ready for school and doing drop off and then spending the day tending Etta, whilst keeping Wolfe from literally trying killing himself every second.

 I can NOT keep up with that child. 

I feel like I do a pretty good job at prioritizing what needs to be accomplished day to day. 

Usually it's just "keep the kids alive until David comes home" and call it good. 

I constantly remind myself to keep my expectations super low and then anything above that is just a mini victory. 

But even doing that, there has been lots of hard days. 

There's been lots of tears and lots of frustration. 

There have been days when I don't know how I'm going to make it to the next hour. 

Days when I'm so tired, my eyeballs burn every time I blink. 

Days when I don't feel like I'm doing enough and being the mom my kids need to be.

Days when I just feel like giving up. 

Two years ago I struggled through the darkest months of my life after Wolfe was born. 

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and it was awful. 

I never really got around to sharing my experience during that time because it was just absolutely horrendous for me. 

(I'd like to, eventually, ya know when I can find the time ha) 

I feel like I got PTSD from the PPD and I'm afraid of somehow getting back to that place. 

Thankfully, I've taken preventive measures to help this time around but after finding myself having hard days back to back, I'm like oh no, please no. 

So this time around, I'm really trying to focus on my mental health, but it's hard and frustrating when exercise is such a big part of that for me and clearly, I can't do what I'd like to do yet. 

You see, my delivery with Etta was a dream come true. 

Literally a unicorn med free, quick delivery where I felt ZERO pain. 

And physically, my recovery has been stupid easy. 

Since the day we brought her home, my body has felt amazing and good and ready to go go go. 

But I know, I'm not ready, even though I want to be, and I don't know why but it's a daily internal struggle dealing with that. 

For me exercise is medicine and therapy and self care.

But when I finally get some free time to do something, I'm so exhausted I can't move. 

And then there is more frustration and more tears. 

And then I have to remind myself (again) that there are times and there are seasons in life. 

and right now, my season needs to be spent soaking in these precious yet fleeting newborn moments and being more gentle with myself and not holding myself to high and unrealistic expectations. 

It also means I need to be ok will letting things go. 

I need to remember that the kids will be ok, even if they're in front of screens from sun up to sun down. 

The days are long and the years are short and someday I'll miss this stuff right?

At least thats what they say. 

If you made it this far through this mumble jumble, what I'm trying to say is, yes it been pure chaos but we are hanging in there.

It'll get better soon and we will survive. 

Thanks for reading-

Signed an extremely exhausted momma to five humans. 

FIVE. 

Still feels weird to say.